That time of the year
For me, it's that time of the year when I look back and take stock. Unlike many others, I think about these kind of stuff when November comes. Usually, this month means rehearsals (or at least it has for the last four or five years); when I was in school, it meant that the tests that were going to determine how my holidays would be were pretty near. As far as I'm concerned, November is the last month of the year. December goes by so fast and almost unnoticed that more than a month, it feels like a limbo between one year and the one that follows. There are two or three important dates, it's full of holidays, and the days that lie in the middle are used to think about what is to come.
So, as I said before, it is time for me to look back.
The first year since I finished studying Musical Theater is coming to an end (note to the orthodox: it is not the most conventional thing to study, but there are Universities for that). As it happens with any other career, the race only begins when you get a diploma, and you have to keep studying your whole life. During these months I've been in and out of classes like... I don't know, like in and out of a mall. But that's not a big deal, 'cause I'm finding the way to sort out all the things that I want to do and I know that by February of 2012 I'll have everything fixed. Some may think this was a lost year. And I couldn't disagree more.
I am twenty-two years old and have no desire to live in a hurry. Receiving a degree today does not mean tomorrow I'll be famous. Most people seem to expect great things from one, ASAP. It's a societies' thing. If you're not successful a month after 'completing' your studies, the best would be to develop a plan B, because A is probably not working. It is also very likely that your family is going to start worrying about your future (in case they weren't already worrying when they learnt you intended to pursue an artistic career), your parents' co-workers are having a hard time trying not to roll their eyes, and those who don't know you at all can not help thinking that you're a crazy bohemian. And that's the part that has to do with academics.
Love life is another matter. If you never had a partner -which is my case-, chances are that half of those who know you already think you are gay, and the other half is slightly certain that you will die alone. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with those scenarios, but I think I'm entitled to come to those conclusions on my own. Again, I'm twenty-two and I'd like to believe that I've lived only a quarter of mi life. What is it with people that are always in a rush? Why do they think that, if I don't have everything by now, I'll never get it?
As I once said in another post, this does not mean that I have a mediocre mind (at least not from my point of view). It simply means that I think everything takes time. Some say that life is very long, others say it's too short. Both statements are true for me.
I'm young and have yet many opportunities waiting for me. In this career I chose, patience is key. You can get a big job every few hundred smaller jobs, but what matters the most is to keep moving and never, ever give up. There are so many actors that have been working for like fifty years, and I'm only in my twenties, I reckon it's not wrong to think that I still have a lot of life ahead.
On the other hand, a lot of members of my family have been peppering me with alternatives since I said I wanted to study Musical Theater. 'Why don't you teach English? Don't you want to be a doctor like your aunt? Don't you want to work in an office like your mum? Why don't you better study Sociology, or Psychology instead? Or Literature, and you can be a writer as you always wanted; and, as you write, you can teach in a school or university.' And then is when I realize life is too short. It's too short to get diverted from the goal. I am not my mother, and I am not my aunt, so why would I have to live like them? For the time being, I'm not interested in becoming a teacher. Why would I spend, say, ten years of my life in something that is not my vocation, that is not my vision, that is not going to make me feel fulfilled and happy? Besides, turning to those things that have very little to do with the path I chose, doesn't mean that, in a way, I've already given up?
I have no trouble realizing that happiness comes in different shapes, and that finding out what makes us happy it's only up to... well, us. I've always respected my friends choosing to study something different than what I had chosen, why wouldn't I? And I have no interest in judging the decisions my family makes, because it's none of my business. If they do well and are satisfied, I'm glad. If they find something that makes them feel good about themselves, I'm not going to oppose or behave as though they should be ashamed of that something. Lack of reciprocity is what bothers me. It's not even that they are hurting me. But I do believe that it is an attitude that damages relationships.
I can assure you I am not the kind of person who tells other what to do. Therefore, I expect to be treated the same way. It's very likely that my parents and my aunt, the doctor, are the only ones who know exactly what I've been doing since I finished school. A few months ago I took up a story I began writing when I was about twelve, and I believe I'm not mistaken if I say that nobody has a clue what the plot is about. One of my biggest dreams is on its way to coming true and only three people genuinely care about how it's going. I wouldn't mind so much about it if it weren't for the many others who try to make me feel guilty when I can't be there for them. Even if it's just a single day.
That's always been my biggest flaw (mum points out whenever she gets the opportunity), and I've never been able to arrange it. Probably I shouldn't be writing this, but mum and dad must be tired of hearing the same old thing over and over again. Those who always listen to others and are capable of putting their problems aside for a second, rarely find someone on the other side who is willing to do the same thing for them. Those who act as if they have everything under control are bound to not get help because nobody thinks they may need it; everyone is so used to lean on you that they don't know how to lend a hand.
In a way, my year was just like any other. But I'm learning to put up with myself and enjoy some solitude, even if that goes against humans' social nature.
I think that the most important thing this year has taught me is that I must never apologize for being who I am. No one should. Diversity is one of the most beautiful things we have. We are like millions of shades gathered in the world's colour palette (cheesy enough?). So yeah, this year's taught me an important lesson. Maybe it'll get to teach me two if I make the most of December.
The first year since I finished studying Musical Theater is coming to an end (note to the orthodox: it is not the most conventional thing to study, but there are Universities for that). As it happens with any other career, the race only begins when you get a diploma, and you have to keep studying your whole life. During these months I've been in and out of classes like... I don't know, like in and out of a mall. But that's not a big deal, 'cause I'm finding the way to sort out all the things that I want to do and I know that by February of 2012 I'll have everything fixed. Some may think this was a lost year. And I couldn't disagree more.
I am twenty-two years old and have no desire to live in a hurry. Receiving a degree today does not mean tomorrow I'll be famous. Most people seem to expect great things from one, ASAP. It's a societies' thing. If you're not successful a month after 'completing' your studies, the best would be to develop a plan B, because A is probably not working. It is also very likely that your family is going to start worrying about your future (in case they weren't already worrying when they learnt you intended to pursue an artistic career), your parents' co-workers are having a hard time trying not to roll their eyes, and those who don't know you at all can not help thinking that you're a crazy bohemian. And that's the part that has to do with academics.
Love life is another matter. If you never had a partner -which is my case-, chances are that half of those who know you already think you are gay, and the other half is slightly certain that you will die alone. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with those scenarios, but I think I'm entitled to come to those conclusions on my own. Again, I'm twenty-two and I'd like to believe that I've lived only a quarter of mi life. What is it with people that are always in a rush? Why do they think that, if I don't have everything by now, I'll never get it?
As I once said in another post, this does not mean that I have a mediocre mind (at least not from my point of view). It simply means that I think everything takes time. Some say that life is very long, others say it's too short. Both statements are true for me.
I'm young and have yet many opportunities waiting for me. In this career I chose, patience is key. You can get a big job every few hundred smaller jobs, but what matters the most is to keep moving and never, ever give up. There are so many actors that have been working for like fifty years, and I'm only in my twenties, I reckon it's not wrong to think that I still have a lot of life ahead.
On the other hand, a lot of members of my family have been peppering me with alternatives since I said I wanted to study Musical Theater. 'Why don't you teach English? Don't you want to be a doctor like your aunt? Don't you want to work in an office like your mum? Why don't you better study Sociology, or Psychology instead? Or Literature, and you can be a writer as you always wanted; and, as you write, you can teach in a school or university.' And then is when I realize life is too short. It's too short to get diverted from the goal. I am not my mother, and I am not my aunt, so why would I have to live like them? For the time being, I'm not interested in becoming a teacher. Why would I spend, say, ten years of my life in something that is not my vocation, that is not my vision, that is not going to make me feel fulfilled and happy? Besides, turning to those things that have very little to do with the path I chose, doesn't mean that, in a way, I've already given up?
I have no trouble realizing that happiness comes in different shapes, and that finding out what makes us happy it's only up to... well, us. I've always respected my friends choosing to study something different than what I had chosen, why wouldn't I? And I have no interest in judging the decisions my family makes, because it's none of my business. If they do well and are satisfied, I'm glad. If they find something that makes them feel good about themselves, I'm not going to oppose or behave as though they should be ashamed of that something. Lack of reciprocity is what bothers me. It's not even that they are hurting me. But I do believe that it is an attitude that damages relationships.
That's always been my biggest flaw (mum points out whenever she gets the opportunity), and I've never been able to arrange it. Probably I shouldn't be writing this, but mum and dad must be tired of hearing the same old thing over and over again. Those who always listen to others and are capable of putting their problems aside for a second, rarely find someone on the other side who is willing to do the same thing for them. Those who act as if they have everything under control are bound to not get help because nobody thinks they may need it; everyone is so used to lean on you that they don't know how to lend a hand.
In a way, my year was just like any other. But I'm learning to put up with myself and enjoy some solitude, even if that goes against humans' social nature.
I think that the most important thing this year has taught me is that I must never apologize for being who I am. No one should. Diversity is one of the most beautiful things we have. We are like millions of shades gathered in the world's colour palette (cheesy enough?). So yeah, this year's taught me an important lesson. Maybe it'll get to teach me two if I make the most of December.
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