Lately...
NOTE: I have a lot of things that I want to write about, but I'm going to address this issue first because it's been stuck in my drafts for weeks, maybe months, and I'm tired of things getting stuck. Bear in mind that I was a complete wreck when I first started writing it, and though there is no shame in being a mess -for I'm a flawed person-, I reckon it's quite sloppy and over the top. I'm going to avoid editing it in order to preserve the original emotion of it, the raw emotion I wanted to get out of my system and, you know, put out there. Also, I apologise for the excessively informal style. Fully disregard this entry unless you are curious about my personal life.
... I've been feeling quite odd. I'm headed to the end of my first proper college year, but I feel like I've lost all interest. Finals are coming, and I really couldn't care less. I've been behaving so unlike myself that I now find myself lost, ironically. I've been thinking about so many things, but with so little time to express them in the only way I know, which is the written word.
... I've been feeling quite odd. I'm headed to the end of my first proper college year, but I feel like I've lost all interest. Finals are coming, and I really couldn't care less. I've been behaving so unlike myself that I now find myself lost, ironically. I've been thinking about so many things, but with so little time to express them in the only way I know, which is the written word.
In less than a twelve-month span I've endured three losses. I've always been resilient, and utterly proud of it, but this time I haven't had the time to just stay stunned for at least a couple of hours. It's like I don't even have something to recover from. I received the blow, but was forced to move along regardless. In order to counteract the grief, I conducted myself in a hyperbolic, cheerful manner, up to the point that I ended up exhausting and annoying myself.
I'm using so many 'myself', but I've hungered for this 'I, me, mine' moment. There's so much I'd like to get out of my system, but just cannot say it out loud.
So, I stopped right there because I got stuck, and am currently listening to some music, which really soothes me. The thing is that I've been thinking a lot these past few months, particularly about people, because I can never seem to understand them. It's like I'm constantly out of touch, no matter what internal arrangements I might undergo.
Last year I lost someone dear for the first time in twenty four years -which is to say my whole life-, and that really shook me up emotionally. I changed so much in such a short period of time. I became vulnerable, fragile, uneasy. Deranged. I'm quite sure I took up college because I needed some stability and, in the process, I started to display a sort of motherliness I never suspected I possessed.
I'm convinced that I've become a whole new person, but I'm uncertain about up to what extent that is a good thing. I've read somewhere that grief can change people even physically, which was quite a shock. And some level of that motherly behaviour must have to do with the fact that my feelings are becoming increasingly exposed. On the other hand, it's likely that I'm just constantly worrying and trying to (annoyingly) ensure other people's comfort. Of course, there's a significant remaining of my signature sarcasm, cynicism and arrogance. I assume it's part of my essence.
However, the reason of my venting is something else. Because of these exposed emotions I've come to the realisation that there's something lacking, and it really saddens me. I'm not one of those who share their thoughts open and indiscriminately, and I'm fine with that. That's the way life's made me, and I'm in no position to object or resent that at this point. Actually, by the looks of it, it's rather an advantage. Nevertheless, I let my guard down way too soon, which is something I've always considered to be a monumental mistake. As far as facts go, I've never had any secrets. I see no point in that. But feelings are something else. Feelings are something others can make fun of, feelings can be used against one, feelings can be hurt, and, more often than not, feelings are something that cannot be changed since it's virtually impossible to choose to feel a certain way.
And I reckon it's almost simpleminded of me to write this but, where's the empathy? Most of the people I've met are completely unaware of the meaning of empathy, and if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. There's this sort of trend of disregarding guiltlessly other people's feelings. Kindness isn't cool. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Kind people are considered morons, they're obviously looking for someone to abuse them. John Lennon sang once, 'I'll scratch your back, and you knife mine.' Reciprocity is an old-fashioned way of conducting oneself.
Nonetheless, we should be nice to each other from the start. Why would you wait for someone to do you a favour? And when they do, why wouldn't you respond accordingly? Cause and effect. Am I attempting to hyperbolize my naiveté? Believe me, I'm not. I'm just that kind of person who constantly wonders. And I'm currently bewildered.
My emotions have been played with way too many times for me to overlook a pattern. I live by a fair amount of mottoes, and one of them, undoubtedly, is the famous 'Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.' What concerns me is that this sort of behaviour is leading to a generation of robots. Love is for the weak. Kindness makes you breakable and, believe you me, society will try to break you. The only thing that should matter is whether you are going to let that happen or not.
I -as many others, I'm sure- have a dream. Or several dreams, if truth be told. I can't remember when was the last time that I shared at least one of them without being mocked. I'm not thin or pretty enough to be an actress, talented enough to be a dancer, confident enough to be a singer, inspired enough to be a painter, Rowling enough to be a writer, and so on. But there are tons of artists who work their asses off and turn out just fine, they don't have to starve their way to success. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that Rowling wasn't born with a book already published. So I bet there's hope for all of us who are not afraid to dream.
So much for girl code, or bro code, or any other code that doesn't mean 'take care of no soul but your own.' Relations are shallow. People think loving is so easy, and use that word mindlessly, without a second thought. But they don't usually act on it. When they say they love someone, I'm pretty sure they don't actually know what love means, what it implicates. People throw the word 'love' at each other in the hope that it would fix their ill behaviour. As if saying 'love' was enough. I'd sooner be treated with love than be told that I'm loved.
Whatever happened to respect? Not only to one another, but to one's self. That is, probably, or at least in my opinion, where the whole issue begins. Because being true to our principles and beliefs is key to being loyal to our own person. And you certainly can't expect loyalty from someone that lies to themselves.
So, I stopped right there because I got stuck, and am currently listening to some music, which really soothes me. The thing is that I've been thinking a lot these past few months, particularly about people, because I can never seem to understand them. It's like I'm constantly out of touch, no matter what internal arrangements I might undergo.
Last year I lost someone dear for the first time in twenty four years -which is to say my whole life-, and that really shook me up emotionally. I changed so much in such a short period of time. I became vulnerable, fragile, uneasy. Deranged. I'm quite sure I took up college because I needed some stability and, in the process, I started to display a sort of motherliness I never suspected I possessed.
I'm convinced that I've become a whole new person, but I'm uncertain about up to what extent that is a good thing. I've read somewhere that grief can change people even physically, which was quite a shock. And some level of that motherly behaviour must have to do with the fact that my feelings are becoming increasingly exposed. On the other hand, it's likely that I'm just constantly worrying and trying to (annoyingly) ensure other people's comfort. Of course, there's a significant remaining of my signature sarcasm, cynicism and arrogance. I assume it's part of my essence.
However, the reason of my venting is something else. Because of these exposed emotions I've come to the realisation that there's something lacking, and it really saddens me. I'm not one of those who share their thoughts open and indiscriminately, and I'm fine with that. That's the way life's made me, and I'm in no position to object or resent that at this point. Actually, by the looks of it, it's rather an advantage. Nevertheless, I let my guard down way too soon, which is something I've always considered to be a monumental mistake. As far as facts go, I've never had any secrets. I see no point in that. But feelings are something else. Feelings are something others can make fun of, feelings can be used against one, feelings can be hurt, and, more often than not, feelings are something that cannot be changed since it's virtually impossible to choose to feel a certain way.
And I reckon it's almost simpleminded of me to write this but, where's the empathy? Most of the people I've met are completely unaware of the meaning of empathy, and if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. There's this sort of trend of disregarding guiltlessly other people's feelings. Kindness isn't cool. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Kind people are considered morons, they're obviously looking for someone to abuse them. John Lennon sang once, 'I'll scratch your back, and you knife mine.' Reciprocity is an old-fashioned way of conducting oneself.
Nonetheless, we should be nice to each other from the start. Why would you wait for someone to do you a favour? And when they do, why wouldn't you respond accordingly? Cause and effect. Am I attempting to hyperbolize my naiveté? Believe me, I'm not. I'm just that kind of person who constantly wonders. And I'm currently bewildered.
My emotions have been played with way too many times for me to overlook a pattern. I live by a fair amount of mottoes, and one of them, undoubtedly, is the famous 'Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.' What concerns me is that this sort of behaviour is leading to a generation of robots. Love is for the weak. Kindness makes you breakable and, believe you me, society will try to break you. The only thing that should matter is whether you are going to let that happen or not.
I -as many others, I'm sure- have a dream. Or several dreams, if truth be told. I can't remember when was the last time that I shared at least one of them without being mocked. I'm not thin or pretty enough to be an actress, talented enough to be a dancer, confident enough to be a singer, inspired enough to be a painter, Rowling enough to be a writer, and so on. But there are tons of artists who work their asses off and turn out just fine, they don't have to starve their way to success. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that Rowling wasn't born with a book already published. So I bet there's hope for all of us who are not afraid to dream.
So much for girl code, or bro code, or any other code that doesn't mean 'take care of no soul but your own.' Relations are shallow. People think loving is so easy, and use that word mindlessly, without a second thought. But they don't usually act on it. When they say they love someone, I'm pretty sure they don't actually know what love means, what it implicates. People throw the word 'love' at each other in the hope that it would fix their ill behaviour. As if saying 'love' was enough. I'd sooner be treated with love than be told that I'm loved.
Whatever happened to respect? Not only to one another, but to one's self. That is, probably, or at least in my opinion, where the whole issue begins. Because being true to our principles and beliefs is key to being loyal to our own person. And you certainly can't expect loyalty from someone that lies to themselves.
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